Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
