I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Randomize