It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
