talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
