Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
