My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
