I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
