I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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