Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I would ride that face into the sunset
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
