Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
