does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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