Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You're like the curious george of whores
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
