Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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