My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
