I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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