i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
