I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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