im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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