is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
