I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
