All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
