there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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