Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
