I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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