Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have already put on my inside pants.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
