i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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