Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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