I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
