Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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