thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
