Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
