she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
