You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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