My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
