I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
