i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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