last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
