My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
