Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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