im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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