I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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