my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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