Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Randomize
