the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
