my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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