i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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