i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
