It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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