apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
