he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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