end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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