last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
