you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
