Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
