Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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