I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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