I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
