He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
