where does the pee come out of this thing
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
