she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
