Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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