I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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