Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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