Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
